


Lover, Best Friend, My Worst Enemy

by prinecssleia (jensenackals)



Category: Marvel, Marvel 616, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Little Fluff, Lots of Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-02 00:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14532954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jensenackals/pseuds/prinecssleia
Summary: My attempt to connect all of the fic requests in my inbox, Mostly Headcanons -> comics, mcu, original storySample:“Secure code ALPHA 31339-” she spoke clearly into the device, keeping an eye on the cliffs above them for movement. “Requesting extraction at current location. Asset in immediate danger. Repeat- Asset in immediate danger.”Movement above them caught her eye. “Shit-”Their assailant was grappling down the cliffside. Natasha took aim with her Glock 26 when a glint of silver reflected the sunlight.“Shit. Shit. Shit.” She said more fervently, dragging Bassaym so he was sitting up against the cliff wall, out of sight temporarily.“Stay behind me. Don’t make a sound.” Natasha squeezed his shoulder to let him know she wasn’t going to let anything happen to him and took her stance, blocking him from view.She checked her chambers and raised her gun just as the Winter Soldier dropped almost 20 feet down directly in front of them.





	1. красная комната (the Red Room)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous said:  
> for the fic prompt can you please please please do #38
> 
> #38 “Listen to me, okay? We’re getting out of here, together.”  
> this actually turned into what i think happened in the red room. combo mcu and comics.

“Sloppy” the Headmistress scoffed disappointed. “Pretending to fail.”

Natalia bent over trying to catch her breath. The two men in the room were still. The one on the floor unconscious and the other disappearing into the shadows until called upon again.

“The ceremony is necessary,” Her instructor continued. “For you to take your place in the world.”

“I have no place in the world.” Natalia said automatically, knowing her conditioned response was expected.

“Exactly,” the Headmistress said with a smile. “We will continue tomorrow. Do not disappoint me again little Natalia.”

And with that, she was dismissed to her chambers.

 

\---

 

Some time ago, she had earned her own private rooms. Her instructors had intended to reward her for her accomplishments, as well as prove to Ivan they were taking care with her well being.

What they did not intend, however, was that Natalia would find a confidant in her hallmate, the Winter Soldier. The first night she had snuck into his rooms, it had been pure curiosity. A week or so after moving to her new residence, she had watched him being carried unconscious through the hall, looking beaten and bloodied.

Natalia hadn’t seen him since he had intervened by saving’s Ivan’s life. Administering the mysterious serum and bring her and Ivan here. That had been years ago, she had been barely 17. Inquisitiveness had eventually gotten the better of her and Natalia had snuck out her third story window, free climbed the brick building one room over and watched carefully through the sheer curtains covering his window.

She had taken care to make very little sound but it wasn’t necessary. They had thrown the man down on the bed, still in tactical gear and left without so much as a backward glance. Natalia had been torn at the time, she knew she was breaking about eight compound rules, and that was just for being out of her chambers past curfew.

On the other hand he looked in a bad way. Dried blood around his nose and ears, eyes completely still under his lids. She vaguely thought that he looked dead, if not for the irregular rising and falling of his chest. In a rare moment of insurrection, she pried open the window lock and dropped silently into his chamber.

It was similar to hers in the uniform way. Bed against the far wall, chair in the corner, wardrobe next to the bathroom door. She silently approached the bed and watched him carefully. No doubt he would respond vehemently to having a stranger in his room.

Indecision pulled at her. She knew she needed to leave. Knew if she was caught it would mean certain punishment. But she owed him didn’t she? For saving Ivan’s life?

Instead of overthinking it, she went to his bathroom, grabbed a washcloth and soaked it with warm water. It was cruel, after all, to leave him in this condition and very strange. Even after her worst days, she as always provided medical attention.

Sitting gingerly on the bed she lightly scrubbed the blood from around his ears. His hair was chin length and unkempt which she also though strange. The Red Room was very particular about appearances.

She had almost finished with his face when a hand, a silver hand, closed around her wrist. Her sharp intake of breath made him pause.

“Do I know you?” He said no louder than a whisper, still maintaining his grip on her wrist.

“No.” Natalia said quickly. “I mean yes. You escorted me here with Ivan Petrovich.”

He looked mildly confused but continued, “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I know.” Natalia stammered. “But you looked terrible.”

“What are you?” He said getting up quickly and stumbling to the door, checking the bolt. It was locked. “A test?”

“N-no. I just- my room is next door.”

He leaned heavily on the bed frame and closed his eyes tightly for a moment.

“How did you get in here?”

“The window.” Natalia said simply. The initial shock of him waking up was wearing off and she reverted back to her training. Assessing the situation, sizing up her opponent. Even though he had a considerable height advantage and more muscle mass, she felt certain she could take him. The metal arm gave her pause though.

He swayed but caught himself on the door frame. Eyes never leaving hers. He almost looked impressed. Then he faltered again and Natalia barely caught him before he crashed into the wardrobe.

She heaved him back onto the bed and took his boots off.

“Water.” he said, pointing with a silver finger toward the pitcher and glass on the nightstand. She noticed his voice was gritty, like he’d been yelling.

“Do you know how much trouble you will be in if they catch you in here?” He said after a few long gulps.

“Who says they are going to catch me.” She said simply. The side of his mouth quirked, not quite a smirk.

“They’ll always catch you.” He said echoing her tone, motioning for the water pitcher and pouring himself another glass.

“What did they do to you?” Natalia asked quietly.

He paused, the water glass halfway to his lips. “I don’t know.”

Natalia didn’t let the shock show on her face. She knew the treatments well. Knew that she would eventually be implanted with false memories to better maintain her cover on missions but having the rawness of it right in front of her was startling.

“What’s your name?” She asked trying to ease the waves of tension rolling off of him. Using her training to diffuse his unease.

“I don’t know.” He said again. This time harder. Angrier. Of course her plan would backfire. She tried again.

“I’m sure that’s normal.” Natalia said soothingly. “Anya forgets her name every other week.”

This is of course wasn’t true, Anya never had treatments, or trained with the other girls. It just happened to be the first name that popped in Natalia’s head.

He looked up at her then, relaxing a little bit and Natalia sighed inwardly.

“What’s _your_ name?” He asked, not breaking eye contact.

“Natalia.”

 

_\---_

Their visits became a nightly occurrence soon thereafter. They pieced together that the Red Room or some branch of scientists involved with Department X were attempting to plant activation words into the Winter Soldier. Safe Guards to ensure his obedience. The intel was simple for her get, all she had to do was take a wrong turn down a hallway in the med wing of the compound and wait in a propped open storage room. It only took a few hours to overhear a scientist with a horrible Swiss accent explaining the basics to a Red Room assistant. She tried not to ask the Winter Soldier too much about it, but one thing was for certain, it was incredibly painful for him.

More obvious was his assignment with the Red Room and the Black Widow Operations. He was soon given the responsibility of teaching the twenty-eight American culture, how to speak English without an accent and mentoring them on ways to infiltrate US high society.

Natalia tried to ask him one night how he knew so much about America. It was followed but the most haunted and violent look she had ever seen on a man's face. She did not ask again.

Instead they talked about what they remembered of their childhoods. Her not very much and him even less. He thought he might have had a sister somewhere though he wasn't sure, the more he tried to talk about it, the less sure he became. He knew nothing of his parents or any other family members. Instead, he listened with rapt attention anytime she could pick out a distinct memory. His favorite was when Natalia would describe the little park around the corner from where she thought she used to live. How beautiful it looked with a fresh blanket of snow on the trees. Said it reminded him of something. The more questions he asked about it, the more concrete the memory became. Natalia could eventually describe the wrought-iron gate at the entrance. A very old willow tree that grew out over a small pond right in the middle. A path lined with rose bushes. She found that she would try to remember more and more details throughout the day to share with him in their stolen moments in the night.

During one of their many lessons on America, they were shown a film. Natasha noticed the russian subtitles didn't match the spoken English. She had been practicing her English with the Winter Soldier almost every night for three weeks and was much improved. The discrepancies were curious. The written words were much harsher, more violent and much more persuasive to the Soviet agenda. The English words were just a story about a girl trying to go to a ball and losing a glass slipper. At the end of the movie, the blonde with the high pitched voice is finally found to be the mysterious woman the prince fell in love with. It was all thoroughly uninteresting. Honestly, she didn't know how Americans could watch this stuff.

But then, when she thought the movie was over she looked around and noticed no instructors in the room with them. The movie kept on playing. The girl and her prince took off down a flight of stairs toward a horse drawn carriage. The prince in his dress military uniform and the girl in a magnificent white gown.

Married. Natalia distantly thought. They were married now. It had been so long since she had even thought the word, let alone made the connection for what it meant. As the couple rode off into the sunset to melodious bells chiming, they sealed their love with a kiss and the words happily ever after flashed on the scene before the projector lensed was slammed shut by the Headmistress. A terrified looking instructor behind her.

"That will be all for today, I think." She said dangerously and all of the girls hurried out single file toward the dining hall. Natalia made short work of her dinner and soon headed to her rooms on the other end of the compound. She was distracted as she opened her door and almost didn't notice the Winter Soldier sitting cross legged on her bed.

"You're early." She said, quickly shutting the door and dropping her sweater and bag in the chair. She was nervous that he was here, she could feel it in the leaps and bounds of her stomach. But not because it was before curfew, this was different.

"It was a bad day." He said so quietly she almost didn't hear him. She turned out the overhead lights, just leaving the lamp on the bedside table on and sat down on the bed mirroring his posture. They had been doing this for so short a time but it already felt like routine.

"I remembered something new today." She whispered and he looked up hopeful. "There was a lamppost, on the corner of the lane. Or maybe it was a busy street. But there was definitely a lamppost. Black and tall and when it snowed at night it looked so-" she struggled to find the word in russian and decided on English instead. "Solemn."

He watched her for a long moment after that, soaking in the picture she was painting him. "I think I remembered something today too." He said finally.

"Really?" She asked surprised. It was so rare for him to have something new.

"Yeah, a train.. maybe. At least I think it was a freight car."

He was looking down at his hands, his face screwed up in concentration. Seeing him like this made her chest tighten and she reached out to take his hands in hers. She surprised herself with her own daring, it was so rare that they touched. He seemed just as surprised, though he didn't pull away.

"Let's forget about memories tonight," Natalia implored. He quirked an eyebrow at her turn of phrase.

"You know what I meant." She whispered and smiled shyly. It was her turn to look down and in doing so a lock of hair covered her face. He reached out with his metal arm and tucked it back behind her right ear.

"I want to try something." Natalia breathed, searching his eyes. His blue held her green and he waited for her to continue. Before her nerve could fail her she leaned in and covered his lips with her own. It was so much different than what she expected and she pulled back quickly. Alarmed by the blood pounding in her ears. His expression was guarded, showing little emotion for her to get a read on.

"I'm sorry," She stammered. "I shouldn't have-"

But he closed the distance between them once more, moving his right hand to cup her cheek and his left pulling her to him. He kissed her fervently. Once, twice, three times, opening her mouth with his own. He kissed her like it was holding him together somehow and if they stopped it would all break apart again. When they were both out of breath it was his turn to pull back.

"Why did you want to do that?" He asked, his voice lighter, not as weary and his eyes were bright. She wondered if she looked as flushed and alive, she certainly felt it. Bewildered, Natalia also observed that in their excitement, he had laid back against her pillows and she was squarely on top of him.

"I saw it in a film today." Natalia conceded. "I wondered what it'd be like."

"And?" He asked with a ghost of smile, stroking her jaw bone with is thumb.

Natalia pulling him back into her embrace was answer enough.

 

\---

 

The Winter Soldier had her in a headlock, she had left the move wide open for him hoping he would take it and he did. Though her victory was short lived.

“Sloppy” the Headmistress scoffed disappointed. “Pretending to fail.”

Natalia bent over trying to catch her breath. The two men in the room were still. The one on the floor unconscious and the other disappearing into the shadows until called upon again. It was better this way, them interacting as little as possible in front of the instructors and the Headmistress.

“The ceremony is necessary,” Her instructor continued. “For you to take your place in the world.”

"I have no place in the world." Natalia said automatically, knowing her conditioned response was expected.

“Exactly,” the Headmistress said with a smile. “We will continue tomorrow. Do not disappoint me again little Natalia.”

And with that she was dismissed to her chambers.

She went straight to the window, after making sure her door was firmly shut, and made the climb one room over. He wasn't there, but she was expecting that. She had skipped dinner after all and he usually had treatments before lights out. She paced the small space wondering if these beginnings of a plan would even work. If he would even come with her. Natalia didn't know how long she waited for him. It was well past dark by the time she heard footsteps in the hall. More than one set of footsteps.

She lept in his wardrobe and hid in the dark until she heard the guards leave him in the hall and the door shut with a snap. She exhaled when she heard the footsteps moving back down the hall away from his room. The wardrobe door creaked open and she saw him peering at her through the various tactical vests and weapons belts.

"How many were with you tonight?" She asked trying to step out as gracefully as possible.

"Four." He said simply and Natalia paused.

"That's more than usual." She said and he grimaced.

"I may have been misbehaving," he said through gritted teeth and threw his jacket and holsters on the bed. "I could have them all on the ground in two seconds if I needed too. It's borderline insulting actually."

Natalia could tell this had been a bad day. Worse than most. Well that was true for both of them then.

"They are going to give you an assignment tomorrow." He said his back still turned. "Alexei Shostakov. You will be his bride."

Natalia's stomach dropped. She didn't know how to feel. Aspiring Black Widow's wait their entire lives for their first assignment. This was going to be a huge honor, the culmination of everything she had worked toward her entire life. But-

"What if we left." Natalia murmured and he finally turned around.

"We can't." He said.

"Just hear me out-"

"No," He interjected. "I mean _we_ can't."

His meaning hit her hard. "You've thought of this before."

It was a long moment before he answered. "I've been through every possibility, every outcome I could think of. There's no way we both get out alive."

"But what if-"

"I can get you out." He said interrupting her again and Natalia had to fight against the lump in her throat.

“Listen to me, okay?" She said trying to keep the agony out of her voice. "We’re getting out of here, together."

"I can get you out." He said again taking a step toward her.

She shook her head, the pressure behind her eyes threatening tears.

"Milaya Moya," He said quietly, tilting her head back so she had to look him in the eye. "Let me do this for you."

A sharp knock made both their heads snap toward the door. He didn't have to tell her to hide, just gave her enough time before he flipped the lock and answered. 

"Soldier," A guard said severely. "Due to your insubordination this afternoon, we need to do a complete sweep of your quarters."

"Go to hell." He said attempting to shut the door. Natalia could see the altercation through the crack in the bathroom door. He almost had the door shut when the guard pulled a gun and pointed it at the center of his chest. Putting his hands in the air, he retreated and stood against the back wall. Three more guards filed in as well as General Karpov, director of Department X.

 _This was bad._ Natalia thought. _Really bad._

They were going to find her. There was no way around it. The way she saw it, she had three options. Hide behind the bathroom door and wait to be found. _Cowardly._ Fight the guards and General Karpov off and try to escape. _Not Ideal._ Or face it head on, convince the General of their innocence and attempt to escape later. _Best available._

"Hello boys," She said flashing her most charming smile and stepping out from the dark bathroom. All of the guards and Karpov whipped around with weapons out. Natalia glanced at the Winter Soldier and saw his shoulders sag every so slightly, resigned to his fate.

"What's this?" Karpov said turning from Natalia to the Winter Soldier. "Enjoying some extracurricular activities?"

"Honestly Comrade Karpov-" Natalia started toward him but he cut her off with a raise of his hand.

"Take him." Karpov said without emotion and all four guards turned their stun guns on the Winter Soldier.

"NO!" Natalia screamed. "LEAVE HIM ALONE! IT'S NOT HIS FAULT!"

The Winter Soldier managed to take down two of the guards before the electricity over took him and he was knocked out cold. Natalia watched in horror as the remaining two dragged his lifeless body out of the room and down the hall.

"I think from now on," Karpov said through a grin as he followed them out the door. "You let me worry about my soldiers little Natalia."

And then she was alone, with two unconscious guards in a room that no longer felt like home.

 _We're getting out of here, **together**_ She thought to herself. _Or not at all._


	2. Defecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #64 “I cant keep doing this.”
> 
> Oh man this one was tough.

“Come on.. Come on,” Natalia said muttering to herself. “Where is it?”

The lead she had been following was close to cold. The previous officer overseeing this warehouse in Novosibirsk did not give information easily. In fact, he barely gave her any information at all. 

“Section C. Row 39.” Was all he had said before passing out. She had no clue what she was looking for and had taken extra caution in her recon, choosing to break in from a skylight rather than through the heavy doors barring the front and back entrances. 

She knew she was in the right place. Every other industrial shelf held boxes of files or discarded prototypes. However, she had no idea what she was looking for. The old man hadn’t led the team guarding this particular archive in over 3 years. There was a very good chance his information was outdated or that the intel he previously knew about had been moved or destroyed. 

She passed row 37 and felt another bout of adrenaline release into her bloodstream. She hadn’t been this close in a long time. Almost a decade since she had even heard a whisper of activity in the field. Not that she had been on the hunt for that entire period of time.. but still. 

She rounded the corner at row 39 and stopped cold. 

“No,” she moaned, slowly moving closer to the machinery basking the area in a strange yellow glow. She covered her mouth to hold in a sob as she took in the face behind the frost covered glass. “What have they done to you?”

She stood there frozen, unable to move for the shock as her mind processed what she was seeing. The Winter Soldier, Hydra’s secret weapon, loaned to the Soviet Union to take down the West, more kill missions than any other in Russian intelligence history, was on ice in a storage facility. Her mind raced trying to filter through any information she had about cryostasis. Devastatingly, she knew very little. She walked around the apparatus looking for any kind of switch or auto override. 

There was none. And who knew how much damage she would do trying to thaw him out without the right equipment. 

The cruelty of her commanders hit her hard. Is this the country she was serving? The horrors she had been forced to live and create. The talents that she had, cultivating fear and panic in those assigned as her targets. It was too much. She had given too much, survived too much, for this to be her reward. 

She wasn’t stupid, she had seen the writing on the wall for months. The glory days of the USSR were over. If she had to guess, and she only ever made well educated guesses, the Soviet Union would fall by the end of the year. Then what would happen to her? Stuffed away in a storage facility? Sold to the highest bidder?

 _No._ She thought. _If I’m going down, I’m going down on my own terms._

She let her tears fall silently, memorizing every plane of the only face who had given her friendship and affection without expecting anything in return. She couldn’t save him. She had promised herself that she would save him and she failed. 

“I’m so sorry..” Natalia whispered knowing he couldn’t hear her. “I cant do this anymore.”

She tore her eyes away, trying to focus on anything except the grief that was attempting to consume her and noticed a file laying next to an old cardboard box on the shelf next to the cryo. 

Natalia grabbed at it and a picture drifted out of a loose paper clip. She bent down to pick it up and her breath caught. It was him. He was younger, his hair shorter, and he was in an American military uniform but it was definitely him. Flipping through the few pages collected, there was little more than experimentation notes and a list of side effects from the treatments he underwent. Though there was one page that gave her something she never could have expected..

**Operation: Winter Soldier**

**Subject: 47**

**Name: Sergeant James Barnes**

James.. his name was James. It suited him, but also didn’t. 

“Goodbye James.” Natalia lamented, placing a hand on the cold glass. She took all of the pain and suffering she had bottled up inside her and turned it into purpose. Motivation to cause as much chaos and discord in a world that had given her nothing but heartbreak. She took a steadying breath, turned and walked silently up the aisle toward her new future. 

She did not look back. 


	3. Odessa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you do #35 for the fic prompt thing?
> 
> #35 “Please, don’t do this.”
> 
> u guys always pick the saddest ones lol might as well make it a companion to this

Odessa, Ukraine - 2009

They had made it this far without incident but Natasha wasn’t taking any chances. She had re-routed the jet that was waiting to take them to Berlin from Kiev to Odessa, hoping to lose the tail that she had noticed back in Tehran.

Whoever was following them was good. She just had to be better.

Bassaym Haddad was quiet in the passenger seat. He was actually rather unpleasant for a person just rescued from a hostile terrorist camp. She knew he was weary of her backtracking but it was necessary inconvenience. Natasha had explained this twice already.

The road they were driving was picturesque. Beach houses and Mansions alike, built into the cliffs overlooking the Black Sea. The private airstrip was dead north of the city. Glancing at the clock on the dash she calculated they were less than an hour out.

Bassaym pulled out a blackberry and began to power it on. Natasha rolled her window down halfway and proceeded to grab the device from his hands and throw it out onto the highway.

“Hey!” Bassaym shouted. “That was my emergency device!”

“What's the emergency?” Natasha said, not taking her eyes from the road. That answer didn’t seem to appease him so she added, “Don’t need anyone tracking your whereabouts.”

Bassaym actually huffed and crossed his arms, staring out his window. Natasha rolled her eyes behind her sunglasses and turned the radio up.

“I do not like this song,” Bassaym spat.

“Too bad.” Natasha said dryly.

His response was to reach over and punch the radio power button, only road noise remaining to fill the silence. Natasha didn’t react. She was doing everything she could not to knock this guy out and transport him the rest of the way in a duffle bag.

“I am counting down the minutes until we are in Berlin and I can be ride of your American arrogance.” Bassaym said trying and failing to sound harsh.

“No thanks neccessary,” Natasha replied sarcastically, taking a deep breath through her nose. “You wouldn’t believe how much they pay me to escort loathesome ingrates out of one of the most hostile regions in the world.”

Whatever Bassaym was about to say was drowned out by a deafening BOOM as their front left tire exploded underneath them and their car took a sharp, uncontrollable veer to the right and through the guardrail over the cliff.

Natasha, acting quickly, grabbed Bassaym’s seat belt and pulled it tightly across him before their free fall turned into all all out barrel roll.

She lost count of how many times they rolled, a bluff finally caught them and stopped their momentum before they could whirl straight into the ocean.

The car was completely decimated. Natasha could tell her nose was bleeding, but other than some bruised ribs and a possible fractured wrist, she was mostly fine. Bassaym had hit his head however and was muttering in agony as his leg was caught between his seat and what used to be the glove box.

“We gotta go.” She said quickly trying to wedge his leg free.

“Cursed spies!” Bassaym shouted between gasps of air. “Don’t you know how to drive!?”

“This wasn’t an occupation induced misap, you moron.” Natasha said through gritted teeth as she made enough room for Bassaym to get his leg free. “Our tire was shot out. We have to get out of here now.”

Natasha wiggled her way out of the car through the driver’s side window, reaching in and helping Bassaym out after her.

“Can you stand?” She asked taking in the bloodied mess that was his left leg. He finally looked appropriately frightened but shook his head.

This was unbelievable. She pulled out her gun and activated the emergency transponder.

“Secure code ALPHA 31339-” she spoke clearly into the device, keeping an eye on the cliffs above them for movement. “Requesting extraction at current location. Asset in immediate danger. Repeat- Asset in immediate danger.”

Movement above them caught her eye. “Shit-”

Their assailant was grappling down the cliffside. Natasha took aim with her Glock 26 when a glint of silver reflected the sunlight.

“Shit. Shit. Shit.” She said more fervently, dragging Bassaym so he was sitting up against the cliff wall, out of sight temporarily.

“Stay behind me. Don’t make a sound.” Natasha squeezed his shoulder to let him know she wasn’t going to let anything happen to him and took her stance, blocking him from view.

She checked her chambers and raised her gun just as the Winter Soldier dropped almost 20 feet down directly in front of them.

“Move.” He said in Russian. His voice sounded the same. His hair was longer, though not by much and he was wearing a mask that covered the lower half of his face.

“James-” Natasha said, not lowering her weapon and he stilled. “That’s your name. Remember?”

He didn’t make a move. The moments stretched out in slow motion as she waited for a reaction, but none came. 

“James,” She said again trying to keep her voice steady. “Remember when we didn’t know your name?”

She was not prepared for this. All of her time searching, earning her rank of Black Widow and staying close to the whispers of the Winter Soldier. Finally finding him in a cryotube stashed in a warehouse only to lose track of him weeks later. Hearing the ghost stories every few years of a faceless assassin with a metal arm. Compiling all of the information she could get her hands on into a limited file hidden in a safety deposit box in DC.

“Do I know you?” He snarled through his mask.

“Yes,” She said, a hysterical laugh almost escaping her, swallowing the pressure building in her throat she continued, “It’s me. It’s Natalia.”

“What are you doing?” Bassaym whispered frantically behind her, drawing the Winter Soldier’s attention back to his target.

“Shut up.” Natasha said not taking her eyes off of the man in front of her.

“Shoot him!” Bassaym begged.

“I said shut up!” Natasha said again, her attention never wavering.

The Winter Soldier freed the rifle strapped to his back and stared down the barrel at her.

“Move,” he said again, only this time she could hear the indecision in his voice.

“Please,” She said putting as much emotion as she dared into her tone. “Don’t do this.”

He held her gaze and for a moment she thought she had done it. Then the shot rang out and everything went black.

\---

Natasha didn’t know how long she was out for. It couldn’t have been long, she was still laying on the cliffside, losing blood rapidly through a wound in her lower abdomen. She turned her head with difficulty, fighting to remain conscious and saw an entry wound in Bassaym Haddad’s forehead and a slug buried in the rock wall behind him.

She heard a chopper in the distance as her eyelids dragged down and she blacked out once more.


	4. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #70 “I wanna go home.”
> 
> Inspired by the deleted Civil War scene.
> 
> "After everything happened with SHIELD. On my little hiatus, I went back to Russia and tried to find my parents. Two little gravestones, by a chain link fence. I pulled some weeds and left some flowers... We have what we have when we have it."

“Be careful Steve,” She pleaded, hoping he would understand the gravity of what he was up against. “You might not want to pull on that thread.”

Natasha had lied. She hadn’t called in a few favors. But Steve didn’t need to know that. Her smiled faded as she turned and walked back toward the car, away from Nick’s empty grave.

The past week had been the most trying of her life. Her entire body was sore, the bullet wound still open and throbbing, her entire life’s work of espionage and destabilization dumped onto the internet by her own hand, and she had been forced to face him, again.

It wasn’t even a hard decision, giving the file to Steve. If anyone had the motivation and the ability to track down the Winter Soldier, it would be him. 

 _James,_  she reminded herself. She had begun to romanticize him in the years after finding him in that cryotube. A man stuck in the middle of a war he didn't want to be in. A man who was taken apart and put back together again, all autonomy stripped away. A man who had risked his life to be her friend. 

Odessa had reminded her that there was no beating the brainwashing. Perhaps HYDRA had succeeded in planting the obedience triggers into his conditioning. Perhaps he’d been treated so many times that all emotion had been buried under decades of programming. The reasons were irrelevant, all that mattered was that she no longer mattered to him. 

After recovering from the bullet hole in her abdomen, Natasha had reverted back to calling him the Winter Soldier. James was dead. She’d never even met the real James. The man that she’d known was a glitch, a flaw in the operating system. 

This had cleared her mind to a certain extent, made it easier to fight him, to shoot to kill without hesitation. To have Steve’s back regardless of who was after them, history or not. He’d still bested her though. 

She was actively ignoring the part of her that made the connection that he’d shot her twice and she had received non-lethal injuries twice. She wasn’t going to be grateful, getting shot was still a bitch.

Getting into the passenger side of the black sedan she finally relaxed. She peered out the heavily tinted window at Sam and Steve, knowing they were planning their next move. 

“What are you going to do?” Sharon asked, shifting the car into drive and easing down the gravel lane. 

“I have no idea.” Natasha said absentmindedly.

”What do you want to do?” 

What did she want? This was only the second time in her life that she'd had the opportunity to choose her next move. Before she had chosen retribution and vengeance. She was too tired for all of that now, weary of the constant battle. The problem was that she had no place to go. She could hole up in a safe house somewhere, bide her time until the SHIELD/HYDRA leaks were old news. But a safe house would never be home. 

 _Home._ She hadn't truly had a home since before the Red Room, when her and Ivan had been informants. Before that she had bits and pieces of memories. The warmth of her Mother's embrace, the kind eyes of her Father watching her play underneath his drafting table. Was there a chance they were still alive? They would have to be in their late 70s by now. Would they recognize the daughter that had been taken from them as payment for their debts. Would they still love her when they found out she had been an experiment? A weapon of the Soviet Union?

She didn't know, but maybe that was the beauty of trying. This was a foreign concept to her, not knowing the outcome and moving forward anyway. Natasha always knew the odds, the consequence of every possible action. Walking into a situation blind wasn't in her nature, but-

Natasha's resolve strengthened as she made up her mind. 

"I wanna go home." 


	5. You could at least  r e c o g n i z e  me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #72 "Why do you always convince me to do the stupidest shit."
> 
> i am so in love with this chapter GOD
> 
> civil war and captain america & bucky #624

"For the record," Natasha murmured, falling into step with Sam and Steve, "This is what making things worse looks like."

"He's alive." Steve replied.

Alive and strapped into the most intricate, ridiculous contraption Natasha had ever seen. The swat team unloaded Barnes and were moving him to the secure wing of the facility, behind a dozen armored guards and several remotely controlled steel doors. 

This couldn't have possibly come at a worse time. Public opinion for the Avengers was devastatingly low. They had limited governmental support and the accords were ripping the team apart. The family that Natasha had finally allowed herself to be apart of was collapsing from within. Steve and Tony too busy worrying about who was right, instead of what irreparable damage would be done in the wake of their decisions.

They had to stay together. Natasha had come too far, opened herself up too much, for it all to come crumbling down around her. 

"Try not to break anything while we fix this." She said over her shoulder as they walked into the control room.

"Consequences? You bet there will be consequences... Obviously you can quote me because I just said it." Tony deadpanned before hanging up and motioning at Sam and Steve. "Secretary Ross wants you both prosecuted."

"I'm not getting that shield back," Steve asked with a resigned smirk. "Am I?"

"Technically, it's the government's property." Natasha called back. "Wings too."

"That's cold.." Sam said under his breath. 

The monitors showed every angel of the interrogation room. They had wheeled the mobile cell into the chamber and the doctor was waiting to start the psychoanalysis. Natasha separated herself from the team in front of a particularly large monitor pointed directly at Barnes. She'd seen the footage from the chest cams of the strike team that had attempted to take Barnes out. He fought with as much skill and ferocity as ever.  

Natasha let out a deep sigh. _What on earth are we going to do with you, Milii Moi?_

Unwillingly, her mind pulled her into a long ago memory. 

 

_The Winter Soldier was technically on mission. He had told Natalia the night before that he would be gathering intel from a target who was staying in the Ukrania Hotel in the Arbat District of downtown Moscow. It had been her idea to sneak out of the compound and join him. His plan had been to use the back service stairwell to get to the stake out location but with her along they had chosen to climb up the outside to avoid being seen._

_"Why do I let you talk me into the stupidest shit." He mumbled while finding his footing._

_"Don't tell me your nervous?" She called down, Natalia was at least two stories above him and moving quickly._

_"I don't like heights." He said back, briefly looking down at their progress and Natalia let out a laugh._

_"The famous Winter Soldier is afraid of heights." She moved up a few more feet, loving the burn in her muscles. "Good to know you have a flaw."_

_"Oh yeah?" He said with a grunt, increasing his pace to catch up to her. "And what is the fatal flaw of the Black Widow?"_

_"Milii Moi," She sighed sweetly. "That is something you are going to have to find out on your own."_

_They were getting close to the top of the 60 story building. Natalia heaved herself over the edge of the balcony and landed silently, the Winter Soldier only a few moments behind her. He jimmied the lock on the sliding glass door from the outside and they were in. The room had been reserved under a fake identity and was next door to the target, who wouldn't be back in his room for hours._

_He pulled the curtains as she hurried to the front door to bolt it. Once the room was secure, he closed the distance between them in two long strides. He lifted her up, wrapping her legs around his waist and pressed her into the wall, kissing every square inch of skin he could find._

_It was rough and loud and free, in a way they could never be at the compound. Lamps were knocked over, paintings on the wall askew, gear and clothes and weapons strewn about the room._

_Even fast asleep, Natalia had felt the absence of his warmth as soon as he'd pulled away._

_"Where do you think you're going?" She said sleepily._

_"Sorry," He whispered, pulling on his pants. "Didn't mean to wake you."_

_"Take me with you," Natalia yawned and stretched._

_"You know I can't do that." He pulled on his shirt and jacket, "If anyone found out about us, we'd be sent to Siberia, or worse."_

_He grabbed her chin and kissed her deeply. "And remember to go out the back window, in the shadows. The kremlin has eyes everywhere."_

 

The control room went dark and Natasha was pulled out of her daydream. The emergency lights began flashing and alarm sirens began a tedious rhythm. 

"Get it back up!" Everett Ross shouted. "Come on, I need eyes on Barnes!"

Steve and Sam took off at a dead sprint out of the room.

"Please tell me you brought a suit." Natasha pleaded, hurrying after Tony. 

"Sure did." He said, "It's a lovely Tom Ford, three piece. I'm an active duty non-combatant-"

"FOLLOW ME!" Sharon said rushing past them and leading them down the stairwell. 

Barnes was making quick work of the guards when they arrived in the lobby. 

"We're in position." She murmured into her earpiece. 

Tony shot the ultrasonic wave, attempting to disorient him but just seemed to piss him off. Natasha and Sharon were already running by the time he knocked Tony aside. 

Sharon got in a few good hits before Natasha kneed him in the chest, knocking his breath away. She used the momentary distraction to hit his sensitive inner thigh. If they could just get him on the ground, they might be able to overpower him. Sharon was caught mid-move and he flipped her, end over end, into a table. Natasha launched herself at him, they had to knock him out, break him free of this conniption. 

She put all of her strength behind her blows to Barnes's head, but it wasn't enough. He threw her down on the table, metal hand around her throat. 

 _This was it,_ she thought. He was looking her straight in the eye, crushing her windpipe with nothing but anger and violence in his expression.

Her last breath went selfishly, "You could at least recognize me." 

T'Challa knocked Barnes to the side and diverted his attention. She coughed against the rush of air entering her lungs. That was stupid, and Natasha was rarely stupid. She'd guessed for years that she had been wiped from his memory. Known that there was no chance she could reach him the way Steve could.

His memories before the Winter Soldier we written over, still obtainable but difficult to recollect. The memories of her had to have been removed, something like a surgery. The flaw in his operating system cut out like a cancer. She rolled off the table, still struggling to breathe, and crawled over to where Sharon was just coming too. 

"You okay?" Natasha rasped and Sharon nodded, trying to sit up.

"Where'd he go?" Sharon muttered, blinking several times against the bright daylight. They both looked around and T'Challa was standing there looking baffled. 

"Where'd he go?" Sharon said again louder. 

A few tense moments past before T'Challa finally answered her.

"He's gone." 


	6. Wakanda - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #46 "Hold up, you what?"
> 
> post black panther/pre infinity war - since apparently the scene we saw in the movie wasn't the first visit to Wakanda.
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS

Natasha was lounging on the high-rise balcony, basking in the warmth of the African sunset. She couldn't believe she'd let Steve talk her into this. She would have been perfectly happy hanging back in Mexico City and finding a human trafficking ring to expose. Steve hadn't wanted to split up though, they were already spread so thin, what with Sam visiting his family and Wanda on a runaway vacation with Vision.

The reason behind her reluctance to visit Wakanda was twofold- First of all, she was not expecting a warm welcome. Secondly, she had no desire to visit the newly awakened Bucky Barnes. 

Steve knew all of this, though not the true reasons behind her qualms about Barnes. He'd made his assumptions of course, the main being that Barnes had tried to kill her on multiple occasions and Natasha had let him presume, not making an effort to explain further. Her past was her own, and he didn't need to know who she was before. 

The first of her problems with Wakanda ended up being no problem at all. T'Challa had greeted them with open arms, going above and beyond with his hospitality. They had both been given luxurious guest suites in a building neighboring the palace, access to a car if they wished to explore the capital and, the most meaningful to Natasha, an invitation to tour the tech lab and training facilities. 

She had politely taken T'Challa aside and apologized for the electrocution, careful with her words so he would know that she was not sorry for the reasoning behind their altercation, only that she was ashamed of the violent way it played out. 

"It is in the past Ms. Romanoff." T'Challa said cordially. "Though I do hope we never have the misfortune of meeting like that again."

T'Challa had proceeded to inform her that his suit had many new updates and that her attack would not work on him any longer. She smiled at the memory. It would be beneficial to figure out if Wakandan tech actually had limits, because from what she could see, it did not. 

Natasha had enjoyed her tour of the extensive facilities, revelling at their considerable resources. She spent the rest of her time asleep in the overly plush bed. Roughing it was fine most of the time, she'd been through worse than cheap motels and living off gas station food, but you couldn't put a price on a good, clean set of sheets.

The second of her problems had yet to come to fruition. Steve had headed off to the outskirts of the city as soon as it was known that's where Barnes had taken up residence. Out of politeness or duty, he had asked Natasha to come along but she'd assured him that they would catch up later. That was 18 hours ago.

Regrettably, she knew her encounter with Barnes was inevitable. She'd heard Steve roaming around next door less than an hour ago. Her thoughts were a mess of emotions and memories. What if he didn't remember her? Worse, what if he did? Would he want to talk? She didn't recall him being a particularly sentimental person, however that was the Winter Soldier. Maybe James Barnes was a sensitive, nostalgic sort of man. Perhaps he would want to talk through their shared past as a coping mechanism. She almost gagged at the thought.

She had to get out of this room. Natasha hastily threw on some clean clothes and had just finished lacing her boots when there was a sharp knock at the door.

"Tasha!" Steve called through the thick wood. "Are you in there?

 _Damn. So close._  She entertained the thought of ignoring him for longer than she'd care to admit. _Don't be a coward._ She told herself and let out an impatient sigh before opening the door to greet him. Steve wasn't alone, Barnes was hanging back, looking as stunned as she felt. 

"We're going to grab dinner. Want to join us?"

 She really didn't. "You guys go on ahead. There's a market just south of here I want to check out."

"Come on Romanoff.." Steve said giving her a meaningful look and she resisted the urge to glare at him. She had no idea why it meant so much to him, for his new friends to make peace with the old one. Unfortunately, Steve was one of the few people on the planet who could be more stubborn than her.

She sighed, knowing there was no way out. "Give me a minute."

Natasha ran a brush through her short pale hair and grabbed a handgun and holster, strapping them underneath her jacket. She always felt exposed without it, and she didn't care how peaceful the city was, Natasha wasn't going anywhere defenseless. 

 

Steve led them through the building and out onto the crowded street, Barnes on his right and Natasha on his left. The awkward silence that followed in their wake was palpable. Barnes kept stealing glances at her out of the corner of his eye. It was unbelievably annoying. Natasha was much less obvious in her observation of him. He looked well, healthy at least, and strong. His eyes were clear and his walk was relaxed, at home in this new strange country of his. He had a scruffy looking beard and even scruffier looking hair, it had grown almost down to his shoulders. Most obvious though, was the lack of his signature metal arm. He most definitely had chosen to go without it, seeing as the Wakandans could have made him a replacement no problem. 

There was a cafe at the base of the palace, the front half open air seating. Natasha assumed the kitchen was in the back based on the wait staff's traffic patterns. Easy enough escape routes but compromised sight lines. The hostess must had been tipped off of their arrival because she greeted them cheerfully and led them through the crowded dining area to a shaded corner.

They took their seats, crowded around the small circular table. Barnes sat down last looking uncomfortable, he kept fidgeting in his seat. Steve tried to pull them both into a conversation without much luck. Natasha briefly described her morning with General Okoye and they were once again sitting in a tense quiet. 

A loud chirp sounded from Steve's pocket interrupting their non-conversation.

"It's Sam," Steve said, eyeing the pair of them before stepping out to answer the call. 

They were quiet for several moments. Natasha sipped her water, deciding that she would hang back and let him make the first move.

"You're armed." He said quietly, his eyes flicking to the barely visible gun at her hip. 

"You're not," She answered, nodding to the empty space below his left shoulder and he smirked at her terrible joke. The silence stretched out between them. He wasn't looking at her, instead staring at a spot on the table. 

"It's not personal." She said finally.

"It should be."

Natasha could have said a hundred different things. _It wasn't you, it's not your fault, it gets better with time_. They were all lies. She knew from experience it wouldn't change anything, wouldn't drown out the horrors. She wondered how much guilt he actually carried with him. If he indeed held himself responsible for all of the Winter Soldier's actions. After they were able to clean out the HYDRA programming, did he truly retain all of the decades and decades of atrocities? 

"Do you remember it? The Winter Soldier, the missions, our-" Natasha hesitated, her voice barely audible over the sounds of the bustling street. "Our time together when I was young?"

"I remember everything, Natalia." He paused and looked up, finally making eye contact. Natasha sucked in a breath at the mention of her first name, her true name. A name she hadn't been called in over 18 years. "And you were the one good thing in all of it."

His expression held so much depth and heartache and she could feel the intensity of it radiating off of him. Her small smile was genuine. "It's actually Natasha now."

"Right, sorry. Natasha" The way he said _Natasha_ , it was awkward, like it didn't roll off his tongue right. Perhaps because out of all of the people she knew in the world, he was one of the very few who had known her as Natalia. One of the aspiring 28 Black Widow agents of the Red Room. 

She had opened her mouth to respond when Steve returned to the table. 

"He's fine," Steve said, answering Natasha's question before she could ask it. "We'll pick him up in two days."

The waitress came over and Natasha ordered the first thing she saw on the menu, too wound up to care. What was she supposed to do with this information? He remembered her, definitely remembered their intimacy, and possibly still cared for her. It was too much to process.

"Bucky's got a farm now," Steve said awkwardly, once again attempting to start a conversation.

"Hold up," Natasha hid her smile behind her hand and cleared her throat. "You what?"

"I have several goats," he said simply.

The three of them were silent for a beat, and then not able to hold it in any longer, Natasha let out a bark of a laugh. It truly was absurd. The Winter Soldier, one of the most feared assassins in the intelligence community, sitting at a cafe talking about goat farming. Before long the two men were laughing too, Steve gasping for air and Bucky giggling so hard he was almost crying. 

"I'm sorry pal," exclaimed Steve, clapping Barnes on the shoulder. "A goat farmer, I never would have thought..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't fuckin tell me Shuri didn't play the "we shot him in zee legs because hiz shield is zee size of a dinner plate and hez and idiot" vine for steve. don't fuckin play me like that.


	7. Wakanda - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 73 "Is it really that hard to believe."
> 
> inspired by the entertainment tonight scene in infinity war press/we all know that was natasha's gun
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS

The last two days had been complete insanity.

The news had broke of the spaceship in New York and the world was in complete chaos. Tony was gone, sucked away to the other side of the universe. Then the attack in Scotland which almost cost Wanda and Vision their lives. Bruce was back, and Secretary Ross was still threatening to arrest them on sight.

The jet hummed as they descended onto the landing platform and Natasha took a steadying breath. She needed her mind clear, focused. She wasn't going to be any help to anyone if she was distracted. They had a plan, they knew what the enemy was after. As long as they kept Vision safe until he was separate from the stone they had a chance. 

Steve, Natasha and Sam led their group out of the back of the jet, Wanda supporting Vision and Bruce and Rhodey bringing up the rear.

T'Challa greeted them with what looked like his entire King's guard, but was gracious enough to allow Shuri to try and separate Vision from the Mind Stone. 

"I feel like I'm always thanking you for something." Steve said shaking the King's hand.

As they started walking toward the entrance, Barnes appeared around the corner. T'Challa was leading the large party inside, Sam and Natasha following closely behind, letting him and Steve have their moment. 

"How've you been Buck?" Steve smiled, giving him a hug.

"Not bad," Barnes grinned back, "for the end of the world."

They fell into step behind her and Sam and their strange little team. _Honestly,_ Natasha thought, _they looked like the island of misfit toys_. 

"So, Little green men, Huh?" Barnes asked.

"Not little, Not Green." Natasha said sardonic as she smiled over her shoulder. He was about to say something back when they entered the lab and Natasha's attention was diverted to the monitors and scanners surrounding the Mind Stone and Vision.

"Are you going to snap and kill someone if they say bologna sandwich?" Sam shot back to Barnes.

"Not bologna sandwich," Barnes said with a straight face. 

"Eggplant?" Sam tried again, "Rancho Cucamonga?"

"He might snap and kill you if you don't shut up." Natasha said, she was too busy hiding her own smile to notice Barnes smirk behind her.

Shuri seemed to think she would be able to separate whatever parts of Vision were connected to the Mind Stone. She was explaining it to the assortment of people gathered in her lab when a deafening BOOM sounded overhead. Natasha rushed to the window and saw a pod explode as it came into contact with the force field surrounding the city. 

They were all standing dumbfounded. No one daring to move. Natasha watching in horror as almost a dozen more pods dropped from the sky in the woods surrounding the city.

"We need a plan," Natasha said quietly in the chaos. No one seemed to hear her except for Barnes who turned his head sharply at her voice.

"Steve," Natasha said a little louder. "We need a plan."

"You're right" he said and took a deep breath. "We know they are here for the stone. Wanda you stay here to protect Shuri and Vision."

"How much time will you need?" T'Challa asked her.

"As long as you can give me, brother."

"How many soldiers do you have?" Steve asked urgently.

"You'll have my Dora Milaje, what is left of the Border Tribe and we will contact M'Baku, he loves a good fight."

"Now would be a good time to bring out the big guy.." Natasha said turning to Bruce.

Bruce looked more awkward than usual. "Him and I are kind of having a thing right now."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Hulk is on an indefinite sabbatical."

"Okay," Natasha said slowly, trying to process this information. "What about armor? Tony gave you clearance to all of his suits, right?"

"I suppose," Bruce said eyes lighting up with an idea. "I'll make a call."

"Rhodey and Sam," Steve said turning to them. "I need eyes in the air, let us know as soon as something moves in those woods."

They turned and left quickly.

"The rest of us will be on the ground." Steve said, "We need to keep the fighting focused on us and away from Vision, but we will need to split up, keep the fighting styles varied. Keep them disoriented and hopefully they won't be able to take large numbers out all at once."

"I'll go with Natal-Natasha." Barnes said appearing at her shoulder. Steve gave him a bewildered sort of look but agreed. 

"Evacuate the city, engage the defenses," T'Challa ordered his guard and then pointed at Steve. "And get this man a shield."

The transports were waiting for them at the base of the palace and Natasha and Barnes took off one way and Steve and T'Challa the other. They were loading up with a group of Border Tribesman when a glint of black caught her eye. 

"You know there is a M249 missing from my jet locker." Natasha said eyeing the weapon closer.

Barnes smiled softly. "I know good hardware when I see it."

"That was years ago Barnes," She said nonplussed and motioned around her, "You kept it? When you have all of this technology at your fingertips?"

"Is it really that hard to believe?"

 _Yes_ , Natasha thought as she held his gaze. Would he really have kept it just as a connection to her?

"I'll tell you what." He smirked, as they loaded up in the transport. "We make it out of this alive, it's yours."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye with a sly smile. "Deal."

 

\---

 

Natasha was looking around bewildered, trying anything to get free of the roots pinning her to the dirt. There was a particularly tight one around her stomach and she found it hard to breathe through the pain. Finally she got enough clearance between the ground and her left arm to wedge herself out. She took off running as soon as her legs were free. Turning the corner around a large thicket she saw the team assembled around Vision's grey, lifeless body. 

"Oh God..." Steve muttered from where he was sitting on the ground. 

 _No, no, no, no, no, no._ Natasha spun in a circle looking for anyone else. Sam, Wanda and T'challa were nowhere to be seen and then she saw the rifle. Laying in the clearing surrounded by an assortment of dust and ash floating away in the light breeze. 

**_No._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the dialogue and story is a little off.. i've only seen the movie twice and put as much together as i could but i know i missed some stuff.


	8. Trapped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #53 "I will always protect you."
> 
> I'd like to thank God and Jesus for this prompt. Also one of the few that I will do from Bucky's POV.
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS

It took a few moments for Bucky's eyes to adjust. The orange glow was overpowering and he blinked against the burning horizon as shapes began to form around him. Trees and bridges and buildings seemed to solidify from nothing as the memory swallowed him up.

Bucky was 14 again and standing in Prospect Park, a fresh blanket of snow coating the surface of everything. He had barely registered his surroundings when something wet and cold clocked him in the side of the face. He turned and saw Rebecca sprint away giggling. 

"Oh you are dead Becca!" He shouted after her laughing. She took a hard right and hid behind a tree as Bucky attempted to pelt her with snowballs. He fainted left and she took the bait, running right. He hit her with a particularly large one on the back of the head and Rebecca shrieked with indignation. Bucky had the good foresight to take off running but his little sister was lightning fast. She caught him round the middle and tackled him into the snow, both gasping for air through their laughter. 

"Want to make snow angels?" Rebecca said once they were able to breathe normally again. They spent the rest of the afternoon goofing around in the fresh snow. They spelled out their names with their footprints and made snowmen in the meadow. Rebecca insisting on making one for Steve, even though it was too cold for him to come play with them because of his asthma. 

"Okay," Becca said looking up at him with her bright blue eyes. "I'm cold."

"Finally!" Bucky chuckled. "Me too. Let's get some cocoa."

They walked off down the sidewalk toward the park entrance and everything dissolved once more into orange. Bucky was aware of the change, but only in the way a person watches from afar as a dream changes into another dream. They faded in an out, one scene forming directly into another.

 -

He was 19, on a double date with Steve and two girls at the Rockaway Beach carnival. Steve was being as awkward as ever but the blonde, Susan, seemed genuinely interested in Sara's nursing job at the hospital, maybe he wasn't so hopeless after all. He smiled and put his arm around his own date as they walked into the circus tent. They watched in wonder as the trapeze artists flipped each other into the air, always catching the bar or their partner's hands at the last possible moment. The Tigers were a crowd favorite but the elephants were a sight to behold. 

 -

He was 7, his dad was taking him fishing for the first time in upstate New York. The sun was bright and warm on the riverbank. They ate corned beef sandwiches and stopped for ice cream on the way home. 

-

He was 26, silently laughing with Duggan and Jones so hard they were almost crying. They were sitting down the table from Steve and Morita in the Mess Hall.

"I'm telling you Steve," Morita explained. "If you like a woman, you _never_ tell her. They appreciate the guessing game. After all, mystery is the most important thing in any new relationship."

"Are you sure?" Steve asked confused. "That seems counter-intuitive."

"Make her come to you." Morita said with a stern nod, Duggan almost lost it and Bucky had to kick him under the table. They of course knew that Jim was yanking Steve's chain but he was so damn clueless it was impossible not mess with him a little bit.

Steve got up with a soft "Huh," went to dump his tray and Morita slid down the table to join them.

"Unbelievable." Jones said watching Steve duck through the tent flap. "The guy has zero game. How can he look like that and have zero game."

Bucky just smiled and went back to eating his hash as the guys starting dreaming aloud about how many girls they could get if they were a super soldier. He, without a doubt, was going to tell Steve later that if he liked Peggy, he should just tell her.

 -

He was 22, sitting at the dinner table listening to Rebecca tell them about a boy she had met at the newspaper stand called Robert. He had asked her to get a soda and they had talked about books. Bucky and his Father were teasing her relentlessly but Becca held firm, the boy was a complete gentleman and had a respectable job at the New York Evening Post.

-

He was- He didn't know how old he was but he was dressed in a horribly inaccurate Captain America costume, decimating a squad of trainees on a deserted street corner. "Idiots." He muttered finishing off the last of them.

He had just relaxed when he heard a gun cock behind him. "Some of them are, agreed. But not all of us." He turned slowly and saw Natalia there, gun in one hand, grenade in the other. 

"You think I can't disarm you?" He challenged her with a smirk.

"If you take the gun, I drop the grenade." She said sweetly. "You take the grenade, well- you know what happens."

"This isn't supposed to be a live ammunition exercise." He said taking a few steps closer to her, attempting to trespass on her personal space. She held firm, a devilish grin lighting up her face. He was going to ravish her later for this, he didn't even know she was training with them today. He had understood the twenty-eight wouldn't be engaging in the physical training for another week, at least. She must have really underplayed how well she was doing, or just wanted to surprise him, it was so infrequent that they interacted in front of the other compound residents. 

"Rules were meant to be broken, _Captain_." She said, placing a flirtatious emphasis on the last word. 

"ENOUGH!" A rough voice called from across the street. "Widow lower your weapon, And you-" he said rounding on the Winter Soldier. "This is a training exercise! Stop injuring these men!"

"No one pulls punches in combat." He said pulling the tight uniform top over his head. "If you send them to America as the are now, they'll all end up dead."

"What would you have me do?" The instructor said venomously. 

"Bring me better men." He said stalking away. "Or more women like this one." 

"Thank you Winter Soldier," Natalia said pleased. "Oh and one more thing- Catch."

He turned in time to see her lightly toss the grenade. He caught it in his metal hand with a _ping_ and non-lethal training gas began hissing out of the opening in the middle. He grinned as she disappeared from sight. 

-

He was 12, back to back with Steve as they faced down five boys, three years older than them and in Steve's case twice as big. They both ended up with bloody noses and black eyes, but from then on they were inseparable. 

 -

He was in Wakanda, watching the sunset over the distant cliffs, feeling unburdened for the first time since waking up as the Winter Soldier.

 -

He was laying in the dimly lit bedroom, Natalia curled up next to him. He was exhausted, just returned from assignment. The mission had been especially horrendous, but the body was planted and bomb detonated without incident. He just couldn't shake the sense of familiarity he'd had on the job. It had thrown him off, but he'd hid it well enough that he hadn't needed treatment upon his return. His mind was clearer now than it had been in a long time and he held Natalia fully responsible.

It was quite the dilemma. On the one hand, having a clear head made his days sharper, he could take in more detail, everything was full of color and sound and sensation. He was no longer drifting through his life in a daze. On the other, it made his assignments more difficult. He still executed without flaw, he just felt remorse afterward. Which was new. He couldn't help but think that every unspeakable act was chipping away at his soul and soon there wouldn't be anything left but an empty shell, following orders with no independent thought. 

"Are you asleep?" She whispered, interrupting his introspective thoughts.

"Yes." He whispered back.

"Can I ask you a question?" She continued, ignoring his sarcasm.

"Anything." He breathed sleepily. 

"When you go out on assignments- at least, I'm assuming you go out on assignments when you leave here for days at a time. The missions that they send you on.."  Natalia was stalling, like she wasn't sure if she really wanted to hear an answer. "Do you ever work with anyone? Like as a partner?"

"No.." He said, peering at her with one eye still closed. He vaguely wondered where this was going. 

"I was just thinking that my first assignment will be in a few weeks and.." She stopped uncertain, it was adorable. Natalia was never uncertain about anything, it was one of the things that was so intoxicating about her. "Well, I was wondering what it would be like to work together." 

He paused. This wasn't what he expected. 

"I don't think," he said slowly, "that would be a good idea."

"Why?" She said, suddenly tense. 

"Because-" he stammered, trying to find the right words. She sat up eyes blazing. 

"You don't think I'm good enough?" She said hurt. "That I'd jeopardize the objectives?"

"No of course not." He said, sitting up as well so they were eye to eye. "Natalia, you are the best I've ever seen. You blend seamlessly into any environment. Play on people's strengths and weaknesses effortlessly. You've learned two-no, three new languages, that I know of, in the past 8 weeks-"

"Stop inflating my ego."

"I'm serious!"

"So what then?" She asked confused. 

"I'd be distracted," he said after a long pause. "Having you there."

"Don't be lewd." She said disgusted.

"No!" He said quickly. "Not like that. I just mean that I would be worried about you. I wouldn't be able to focus on the task."

"That's absurd." She snapped. "And insulting. You wouldn't have to protect me, I can take care of myself."

The emotion bubbling up inside him came hard and quick. "I will always protect you." 

Her lips parted ever so slightly and she searched his eyes. He reached out and cupped her cheek. 

"I don't know what this is, whatever it is that we have- but I know that I would risk any job if I had to choose between it and you."

Natalia leaned into his hand and he could feel the heat of her warming his palm.

"That is astonishingly sentimental," she marveled. He leaned into kiss her but she smacked his hand away playfully, "and incredibly chauvinistic."

"Come here-" He said grabbing her the back of her neck and crashing his lips into hers. She chuckled against the rough kiss and pulled him down on top of her. 

"Don't think you're forgiven." She whispered dangerously into his ear as he nipped at her neck. 

 

"BARNES-" a distant voice called through the fog of his brain. He shook his head against the dull ache forming in his temples. He had one of Natalia's arms pinned above her head and with the other she was tugging at the hem of his shirt. 

"What the hell?" the same voice said much closer this time.

"Wilson?" Bucky said, looking up and seeing Sam standing in the corner of the room looking dumbfounded. 

"Oh, NO!" He said taking in the scene around him and then shouting up to the ceiling. "Take me back out!"

"What are you doing in here!" Bucky said, he was still propped up on his elbows, Natalia- Natasha was frozen beneath him, almost like she was paused, like the whole scene had been paused. "Get out of my dream!"

"Listen, this ain't a dream!" Sam interrupted. "Wait-" 

He tilted his head a fraction to get a better look. "WHAT THE HELL! Is that Romanoff!?"

"No. Nope." Bucky said getting up off the bed. "You're done. Get out." 

"Barnes," Sam said getting serious. "This isn't a dream... We died."

Bucky was about to dismiss him again when it all came back to him in fits and spurts. The battle, Thanos, feeling himself float away into nothing. The more he remembered, the more the room dissolved around them until all that was left was the dull glow of an orange horizon. 

"Oh my God." Bucky murmured. "Where are we?"

"I have no idea." Sam said slowly, looking around at the orange nothingness surrounding them. "I was replaying my greatest hits too, then Wanda found me. She couldn't hold it for very long but my memories went away just like yours as soon as I remembered what happened."

"How did you find me?" 

"Wanda, I think. I asked to find you and there I was."

"Who else did you find? Steve?"

"I don't think he's in here. Hate to break it to you," He said smirking. "You weren't exactly my first choice, man. I tried a lot of people before I tried you."

"So what next?" Bucky asked, spinning slowly in a circle looking for anything in the distance besides orange.  

"No idea," Sam replied crossing his arms. "But are we gonna talk about what I just walked into?"

"No." 


	9. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #40 "And yet, you're still here."
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS - post avengers 4

Arlington was a sea of black umbrellas. _Of course it would rain,_ Natasha thought, as she wound her way through the mess of people. She stopped under an old oak tree that was slightly higher ground than the rest of the cemetery and gave her a good view of the processional. A single soldier played Taps as the pallbearers, in their dress military uniforms, marched their slow rhythm up the lane. It would have been nice, if not for the thousands of people here for the spectacle, instead of to mourn. This production didn't feel like a memorial service, it felt like a parade. 

"Steve would've hated this," a low voice muttered from behind her left, she looked over her shoulder and came face to face with James Barnes. 

She smiled sadly at the thought. "Yeah, he would have."

The initial shock of seeing him was fleeting. She hadn't thought he would risk leaving the safety of Wakanda. But maybe, all of the time travel and changing the past had changed his situation as well. Natasha had a hard time keeping the timelines straight. She knew she was no longer a fugitive, along with Sam, Wanda and Clint. Barnes must have come out of this a little less wanted by Interpol as well. 

He looked terrible, his hair pulled back in a ridiculous ponytail, he had hollow cheeks and dark circles under his eyes. They stood in silence on the small hill over looking the ceremony, Barnes mostly staring at his feet. The President spoke briefly, followed by Tony. It was poignant and heartfelt. She knew how hard this must have been for him, especially with the way they had left things. There had been no time for reconciliation before the shit had hit the fan. She hoped Tony didn't blame himself, but knew that he probably did. Tony seemed to blame himself for a lot of things he shouldn't.

Natasha made it through without losing it, only wiping away one stray tear at the three-volley salute and she heard Barnes clear his throat roughly. 

The crowd didn't linger, the rain was really coming down now. The temperature had dropped and Natasha pulled her trench coat a little tighter around herself.

"He knew he wasn't going to make it out of this one, didn't he?" Barnes said, still staring at his feet. 

"I don't know," Natasha replied quietly. "But if he knew there was going to be a sacrifice, he wouldn't have let anyone pay it but him."

Barnes looked up and watched the Arlington grounds crew begin to lower the casket into the plot. He was silent for a long time and Natasha was too, knowing he would talk when he was ready.

"I should be down there too, in the ground." He said finally, "So what now? My only friend left in the world is dead. What do I do now?"

She tried not to let the phrase sting. He was right after all, they weren't friends, not anymore. "I can't tell you that."

"I should have died," His voice was hard. "In 1944."

"And yet, you're still here." Natasha turned to face him and he clenched his fists at his side. "The world isn't done with you yet, Barnes."

She reached out and squeezed his hand in hers. He finally looked at her, his eyes were tortured. God, she was terrible at this.

"Just, don't do anything stupid." Natasha smirked softly and he tried to smile back, it looked more like a grimace. She gave his hand another quick squeeze and ducked her head against the rain as she hurried to her car. When she looked back he was still standing alone under the tree, staring out over his best friend's grave.


	10. Minsk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2\. "You're still the same guy I fell in love with”
> 
> i am so sorry this took so long!!! but it finally became exactly what i wanted.  
> i switched this up a little bit. i needed some soft bucky.
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS

Bucky was overlooking the city from a deserted rooftop. It had been one year, seven months and thirteen days since he'd been pulled out of the Soul World and back to the land of the living. Since the final battle with Thanos. Since Steve sacrificed himself so they could win.

Afterward, throwing himself into work seemed like the best option. T'Challa had offered him a position as a 'War Dog,' Wakanda's elite group of spies stationed around the globe, and he had jumped at the opportunity. Not only to pay back some of the debt he owed the country that had given him so much, but also to stay busy. Give his mind something to think about other than the crippling loneliness that had plagued him since Steve had died.

He had been in Toronto, looking into a tech company that wanted to purchase a large amount of vibranium, when he first began putting together the string of accidental deaths happening in Russia. 

Two higher up governmental officials went down in a civilian plane crash. A neurosurgeon had an accident at a local lap pool. A Deputy Secretary of the Russian Foreign Intelligence Service had gone missing on a ski trip. The only thing they had in common was that they had all happened within a week of each other. 

He had finished the job, the tech company had ended up being a front for a weapons manufacturer, and Bucky had asked for a couple weeks off to investigate. 

His working theory? Someone had bankrolled a rebirth of Department X and was cleaning up after themselves.

That was how he'd ended up in Minsk, staring out over the half frozen Svislach River. He had only been looking into the case for a couple of days when he had caught her trail. Natasha was being very thorough. When Bucky had realized they were looking into the same murders, he had decided to hang back. Let her take the lead. She didn't need to know he was in town, or even remotely interested in a resurgence of Department X.  

Through his scope, he could see Natasha making her way through the deserted park across the bridge. It had begun snowing, they were in for the storm of the century over the next two days and most people were taking shelter against the dropping temperatures. She had a cup of coffee in her hand and large sunglasses on. Her hat hid most of her hair but a stray strand was fluttering in the cold breeze and he smiled in spite of himself. Her hair was red again. 

She meandered down the path and Bucky tracked her with his scope. The next target on his list, and apparently Natasha's, was a Genetic Scientist who was leading the industry in human modification. He was a real piece of work according to the internet, was spouting nonsense about a superior race of humans being achievable in the next 5 years. Bucky had been nauseated by the thought. 

Something was wrong, Natasha has stopped mid-stride and was looking straight ahead. Bucky followed her gaze with his scope and saw a middle aged man sitting on a park bench, nothing amiss except for the small bullet hole in his forehead and the red ribbon pinned to his chest. 

"Goddammit Bucky." He mumbled to himself. He had been too busy focusing on Natasha, he hadn't seen anything amiss. He swung his scope back to find her turning in a slow circle in his viewfinder. She was looking for something, anything that could lead her to the next clue. She found it, turning toward the street on the other side of the park and Bucky saw a black sedan take off down an alley. Natasha was running, finding her motorbike and kicking it into gear before tearing off after the car. 

He packed up his sniper quickly and made for the rooftop stairwell. He was ashamed to admit that he had put a tracker on her bike two days ago and she lit up on his mobile device traveling through downtown toward the highway.

The tracker was a necessity, Natasha was adept at picking up a tail, this was the only way he could think to keep an eye on her without her knowing. Bucky had convinced himself that everyone needed someone watching their back, even Natasha. Though she would probably be insulted if she knew, which was why he was in hiding. He followed her from a mile behind, her course was strange and he wondered if she was still tailing the sedan.

 

About an hour drive later, she had stopped seemingly in the middle of the woods and Bucky circled around the area twice before taking a hidden drive into the thick trees. He was a quarter mile due north of where her motorcycle had stopped and he picked his way through the trees undetected. He soon came up on a structure. A small, compound type campus that was built up in a clearing. He stayed in the tree cover and pulled out his scope and began taking in his surroundings. He didn't see Natasha. Movement at the side door caught his attention and he saw a slender figure, dressed in winter camouflage with heavy duty goggles on, step out into the dusk. 

They had to be infrared. No other reason for that kind of hardware out here and Bucky ducked behind a large tree trunk to avoid detection. The figure didn't seem to notice him and had their gun pointed south, into a large evergreen. 

"Itsy, Bitsy, Spider." It called sweetly and Bucky's stomach dropped. Natasha hadn't had any gear that he had seen, she had taken off so quickly, all she had was a fashionable winter coat and sunglasses. He tried to prowl the tree line toward the direction the mystery woman's attention was directed. He pulled out his handgun and cursed himself for not being better prepared. 

Then he heard the shot. It echoed off the trees and Bucky found a gap in leaves just in time to see Natasha, hanging from an upper limb in a giant evergreen.

The figure shot again, this time hitting Natasha in the arm and she dropped 20 feet down into the snow. 

He was still roughly 200 yards away and Bucky started running. The figure unmasked herself and he vaguely recognized her thin face and dark brown hair. He paused and shot off a clip in her direction, one bullet finally hitting her in the shoulder. She was taken completely by surprise and turned with her gun up. 

Her eyes went wide at the sight of him and then Bucky remembered. It was Anya, the daughter of the Red Room's headmistress. She fired into the treeline, he was running flat out and bullets were ricocheting off of the trunks and limbs around him. His only thought was that he had to get to Natasha. He fired back blindly in her general direction. Even when Anya took off running back toward the building his stride never wavered. He slid the last 10 feet and took in the pools of blood growing quickly in the snow around Natasha. 

Her bicep looked bad, her thigh worse. She was unconscious, probably from the shock and blood loss. Bucky looked over his shoulder to check the clearing again. It was still. He pulled the belt from her coat and tied it tightly above the bullet wound in her leg. He pulled his heavy tactical jacket off and wrapped it around her gently before hoisting her up and jogging back to his rental car.

She was going to bleed out. He couldn't take her back to the city like this, and she would literally kill him if he took her to a hospital. He had a hide out near Orsha, but that was another hundred miles away, not a place to get to fast in a Prius but it was his only option. Bucky pulled out an old t-shirt and bandaged her up best he could without an actual med-kit. 

He leaned the passenger seat back as far as it would go and buckled Natasha in. She already looked pale and he rushed into the drivers seat and took off without looking back. 

 

They were about 15 miles out when her eyelids fluttered. The ride had been a mess. There was blood everywhere, Bucky was definitely not going to be able to return this car to the dealer. She groaned and grabbed at the t-shirt wrapped around her arm.

"We're almost there." He said checking her bandages, they were thick with blood and he pressed the gas pedal down hard.

"Barnes?" She slurred, looking up at him through her thick eyelashes.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"Barnes.." She said again and sucked in a breath painfully. "Is this a dream?"

"Sure." He agreed, anything to keep her talking. He was afraid if she lost consciousness now, it would be the end.

"I can't feel my arm." She said chuckling darkly.

"I know. We are gonna get you fixed up though okay? Just hang on for a few more minutes."

"Are you sure I'm dreaming?" He let her ramble and tried to focus on the road, he was pushing 120 mph and the car was whining in protest. "I've never seen you like this in my dream before." 

"What am I usually like?"

"You're frozen."

Bucky blinked. She had to be delirious from the blood loss. 

"I've been wondering..." Natasha trailed off, her eyes closing slowly and Bucky panicked, trying to keep her conscious.

"Hey-" He said, shaking her gently. "What have you been wondering?"

"I've been wondering," She coughed pitifully, "if you were still the same guy I fell in love with?"

He stared at her in shock. Natasha was barely able to keep her eyes open as she stared back. It had been five decades and he had never known that she had felt that way about him.

He pulled off the back road down the lane to the cabin just as she passed out. 


	11. The Cabin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #57 "You had no right to do that!"
> 
> heavy comic influence.
> 
> #INFINITY WAR SPOILERS / POST AVENGERS 4

Natasha awoke with a start. She gasped against the pain in her arm as she tried to sit up. She was laying on a stiff mattress in a one room cabin, there was a small light bulb overhead, and she blinked against the dull yellow glow. Her gun and Widow's Bites were on the bedside table and she grabbed at them. Her electroshock weapons were charged and gun still loaded. 

Taking in more of her surroundings, she tried to get her bearings. The swirling snow was visible through the tiny window next to the door, it was really coming down. A small kitchenette was on the far wall next to a wood burning stove in the corner, which had dying coals glowing through the grate. A chair sat in the middle of the room with her coat, shirt and pants thrown over the back. There were cobwebs in the corners and a thin layer of dust on every surface. The cabin clearly uninhabited for a long amount of time before now.

How did she get here? The last thing she remembered was Anya shooting her out of the tree and losing consciousness while staring down the barrel of the rifle. She winced at the memory of the bullets ripping through her thigh and bicep.

She took stock of her injuries, someone had bandaged her up. The wrappings around her arm and leg were new and she could feel rough stitches pulling at her skin in her thigh. Who had brought her here? Anya wouldn't threaten to kill her just to save her life.

Natasha shook her head trying to think, she must have lost a lot of blood, her brain was fuzzy and she was freezing. Natasha had just decided to make a run for it when she heard boots stomping up the porch steps.

She pointed her gun at the door as it opened with a gush of cold wind and the Winter Soldier walked in with an armful of firewood.

"What the hell, Barnes!" Natasha gasped, lowering her weapon.

"Oh thank God," He said, dropping the firewood and hurrying toward her. "Thank friggin' God."

"Where the hell did you come from?" 

He put his hand on her forehead while simultaneously checking the pulse at her wrist. "I was following the same lead that you were."

"But how did you find me?"

He looked a little sheepish. "Your fever broke, that's good."

"You didn't answer my question.."

"I was keeping an eye on you, just in case."

"That's-" Natasha was lost for words. "You've been tailing me?"

"No!" He said quickly. "Just observing from a distance."

"That's the exact definition of a tail, Barnes."

"I was only going to offer my assistance if you needed it. You didn't need it," He moved away from her, and began piling wood into the stove.

"You had no right to do that!" She was angry, furious actually. How dare he? She ripped the blankets away and tested putting weight on her bad leg. "I have to get back to the city, Anya-"

"You're not going anywhere in this storm." Barnes cut her off, he had his back to her and was attempting to relight the stove. "It's dumped almost 14 inches of snow in the last six hours." 

"I don't take orders from-"

"You can't fight on that leg. You have to heal before you can even think about going after her."

"Stop interrupting me." Natasha said, lowering her voice dangerously and his eyes narrowed slightly.

"I didn't think you were going to make it Natasha, you bled out the entire way here." Barnes looked distressed, Natasha wondered where all this concern was coming from. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the funeral. 

"Here-" she echoed. "Where exactly is here?"

"Leftover Winter Soldier hideout. As you can see, I haven't used it in years."

"Are we safe?"

He nodded. "I need to look at your leg." He refused to make eye contact as he pulled one of the two kitchen chairs over to the side of the bed and sat down.

Only then did Natasha become self conscious of the fact that she was wearing a tank top and underwear. He carefully unwrapped the gauze and she did her best not to wince as it peeled away from her bloodied skin.

"How long have I been out?"

"About nine hours."

That was too long. Anya could have packed up and gone underground within three. There was a possibility it would take Natasha another two months to find her again. When the last layer was gone, she took in the damage. There was an entry and exit wound, which was good, however it seemed to hit a large artery and was still oozing, even with the makeshift stitches. 

"Looks better," Barnes said curiously. "It's healing quickly."

She hummed noncommittally.

"So," he said dryly, sitting back in his chair. "I'm not the only one with a knock off super soldier serum, am I?"

Natasha didn't answer.

"Fine- Keep your secrets" He said, raising his hands in surrender. "But you at least need to eat something."

 

Barnes warmed up the canned beans in silence and Natasha ate without complaint. The wood stove wasn't warming the cabin enough for her liking. She had bathed and put on some of Barnes's old clothes: a moth eaten sweater, a thick pair of canvas tactical pants and two pairs of old wool socks. She was still shivering. 

Her thoughts were a mess. All of the intel she'd gathered, all of the false leads she'd chased down, only to come face to face with Anya and a born again Red Room. How could she have let this happen? To be fair, she had been a little busy the past two years but still, she should have paid better attention.

"So the question is-" She said through her final mouthful, "Who would bankroll a resurgence of Department X's least successful branch of assassins."

"I don't know about that... I'd say _your_ success rate was pretty profitable to them." Barnes said looking up from his can of beans.

"I was the only one." Natasha held his gaze. "It'd have to be someone connected to the original Department X, especially to bring in Recluse."

"Excuse me?" spat Barnes.

"That's what she's calling herself now," She said puzzled. "You didn't know?"

"Recluse," he scoffed and mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothing." He chirped, looking up innocently. Natasha gave him a dirty look but was betrayed by the yawn bubbling up in her chest. 

"You need to rest." Barnes said standing and grabbing another blanket from the cupboard. 

"What I need, is for you to invest in a space heater for your safe-house," She said sarcastically as he threw a third blanket over her. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"The chair."

She eyed the dingy looking recliner and then the double bed where she was currently residing. It would be tight, especially with his expansive frame. Her face was warm as she tried to suppress the memories of when they used to share a bed on a regular basis. "We could both fit."

"You don't need me kicking those stitches open." He had his back to her, busying himself with the kettle. She opened her mouth to argue with him but he cut her off.

"Here." Barnes said, handing her a mug of hot water. "Try to get some sleep."

 

Natasha spent the next hour tossing and turning. Thoughts of Anya kept tormenting her. What was her endgame? Where was she going to get trainees, did she plan on kidnapping orphaned girls and brainwashing them into servitude? Was she recruiting agents? The more Natasha thought about it, the more distraught she became, and to top it all off, she was shivering again. 

"Pssst... Barnes," She whispered through chattering teeth and he stirred in the chair. "I can't sleep."

He huffed out a breath and sat up sleepily. "I'll put another log on."

"Barnes," She said louder. "Get in the bed. I'm not freezing to death just so you can be chivalrous."

He muttered inaudibly for a moment but obliged. Natasha shifted closer to the wall to give him enough room and he slipped under the blankets so they were shoulder to shoulder. 

"Why do you call me that?" He asked annoyed.

"Call you what?"

He was quiet for a moment before answering. "Barnes."

"It's your name isn't it?" Natasha said taken aback. 

He didn't answer and Natasha fidgeted under the covers. Barnes was the only thing that fit in her mind. She'd never felt comfortable calling him Bucky. That was what Steve had called him, what his friends and family had called him, the person he had been 70 years ago. Natasha had never known the real Bucky, never known who he was before the Winter Soldier.

"What am I supposed to call you?" The quiet stretched between them for several moments before he answered.

"You could call me James," His voice was unsure and he was picking a threadbare patch in the sheets to avoid meeting her gaze.

James- that was the man whom she built up in her mind after finding him in that Cryo. James was known to her personally and intimately. James was her lost lover, the person she had once cared more for than anyone else in the world. James was a fantasy.

"Do you ever think about us?" he asked quietly, interrupting her reflective thoughts.

"What do you mean?" she said staring at the dark ceiling. 

"Do you ever wonder..." He turned to face her and propped himself on his left arm, "What would have happened if we'd met under different circumstances? If we were civilians..."

"We wouldn't have met if we were civilians." She said without emotion.

She turned her head on the pillow to glance at Barnes, he looked dejected. She hadn't intended to make him feel bad, they were just getting dangerously close to being emotionally vulnerable, which she actively avoided. Something inside Natasha was pleading for her to be open with him, to tell him how much she had cared for him. Before it was too late. That part of her rarely won. In this business, emotions caused mistakes. And trust- trust got you killed.

 _However_ , a small voice spoke up in the back of her mind. Maybe just this once, it'd be okay to indulge the sentimental inclinations. He had saved her life after all. 

"After you were taken away," she swallowed, struggling to find the words. Natasha wasn't used to being candid and she had to force herself to continue. "I was so angry."

Barnes looked surprised, he probably wasn't expecting her to be forthcoming. Even when they were together in the Red Room, she didn't share much about herself outside of the memories they'd bonded over.

"I used it though," Natasha continued. "To be the best. More ruthless, more motivated than anyone else in the program. I built it up inside of me for so long and eventually took more and more anger out on my targets, my missions. Eventually, I forgot why I was angry, just that I was."

He was staring at her intently, his eyes were sad. She hadn't told anyone about her beginnings as the Black Widow, not even Clint. 

"Then I started looking for you. Once I had completed enough successful missions, they weren't very strict with my leave. I was always looking for you. Keeping an ear out for anything on your whereabouts, for almost twenty years...

"I finally found you," His eyes widened, he didn't know. How could he have? "Stashed away in a warehouse in Siberia. I didn't know how long you'd been like that. I wanted to break you out but I didn't know anything about cryostasis. Then I thought about damaging the machine but you would have died. And I couldn't do that either."

A stray tear slipped down her cheek onto the pillow. "Instead I left. I took everything they taught me, all of the knowledge and skill that I had and used it against them. Used it against everyone. I didn't care who hired me or what they needed me to do. I was free.

"Eventually, I caused enough trouble to get SHIELD's attention. Barton was sent to kill me. He made a different call."

Barnes hadn't moved a muscle since she'd started, she'd forgotten how still he could be.

"What I'm trying to say is- everything I've been through, everything I've done and everything that has been done to me- being surrounded and engrossed in all of those terrible things. I never once regretted meeting you, being with you... You once told me that I was the one good thing in all of it... but so were you."

Another tear escaped and he reached out and brushed it away with his thumb. Barnes was quiet, not moving his hand from her face. Natasha wasn't cold anymore. Her blood ran hot at the memory of all of the times he'd touched her that way before. Gentle, caring. It began to drown out all of the other memories, their near death experiences at each other's hand. Natasha had long ago come to the conclusion that they'd never be able to move past the violence that had plagued them for the past decade. Maybe she was wrong.

"People like us..." He murmured. "Do you believe we get second chances?"

Barnes searched her expression, Natasha knew what he was really asking. Part of her wanted to shut down, turn over on her side and close herself off from what was passing between them. The larger part couldn't tear her eyes away from his. 

"I have too."

She had barely whispered the words when he closed the distance between them. He kissed her soft and slow, Natasha holding onto the hand that was cupping her face. She tried to deepen the kiss, pull him closer to her, but gasped against the shooting pain down her arm. 

He broke the kiss, still leaning his forehead against hers. "You should rest."

"I'm fine." She said trying to pull his face back down to hers but he resisted.

"Natalia, I've waited for fifty-five years, I can handle few more days." He pulled her in close and Natasha nuzzled into the crook of his neck. What she was doing was dangerous. So many of her instincts screamed at her to put on the mask, to shut down, to run.

But she was tired of running. Maybe what she needed was a little bit of standing still. 

"Good night, James" she murmured into his skin.

She slept more soundly that night than she had in years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't judge me for the terrible fanfic trope. i die for it.


	12. Snowed In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You make me want things I can't have."
> 
> #nsfw ..this took a while so i hope it was worth the wait
> 
> ~~this is pure selfishness. i decided to finally giving bucky and natasha the action they deserve. sorry not sorry.~~

Natasha fought to keep her eyes closed. She was warm and comfortable as her body slowly pulled itself out of the deep sleep. The scratchy blankets were pulled up under her chin and the pain in her limbs had lessened to a dull ache. James's solid chest was against her back, his arm curled around her middle. She was halfway through burying herself back under the covers when her eyes flew open.

The night before came back in a rush. James's questions, her confession, that _kiss_. She stiffened momentarily in surprise and felt James's breathing change. She wasn't ready for him to wake up yet. She needed to think, had to find an angle, an evasion, anything. She needed a plan. Natasha lay there trying to regulate her breathing. Hoping if she stayed still enough he would fall back asleep.

"I know you're awake." He murmured sleepily in her ear. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Natasha breathed into the pillow, refusing to face him. His closeness was disconcerting. It was like his proximity unwillingly tore down all of her carefully crafted walls, like she had no control over what she was going to say or do. He made her act on pure impulse and Natasha knew if she looked into his eyes, she wouldn't be able to resist him. 

"Natalia...?" His grip tightened briefly around her stomach, trying to coax her to talk.

She took a deep breath and sat up, "It's nothing." She ran a hand through her hair and looked around the room. The bright morning sun was seeping in through the small windows and the stove had burnt down to ash. "When do you think we will be able to get back to the city?"

"Depends.." He turned on his back and propped himself up against the bed frame. "It might take a while to dig back out to the main road."

"I can help with that." She said, still avoiding his gaze. Natasha shuffled to the edge of the bed and stood gingerly. She could feel James watching her and she concentrated on her balance. Her leg took a little adjusting. She would definitely have to do some form of physical therapy to get her strength back but it took her body weight without collapsing beneath her, which was promising.

There was a metallic taste in her mouth and the hair was stuck to the back of her neck. She needed a steaming hot shower, and to brush her teeth with an actual toothbrush. She needed to think. She padded over to the tiny bathroom in her thick socks and heard the bed creak behind her as James stood. Acting like she didn't notice him following her she reached out and grasped the knob. His metal hand appeared in front of her, holding the door shut. 

"Natalia," He said again, his breath tickling her left ear. "Please don't shut me out."

"It's Natasha." She said through gritted teeth. 

He didn't sound the slightest bit hurt by her rebuff. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because.." She turned, his left arm still caging her in. He was close. Too close. When she let out a hard breath it fluttered the few strands of hair hanging down in his eyes. She'd let her guard down last night, had chosen to go to a place where she couldn't come back from. Her voice was rough when she finally answered, "You make me want things I can't have." 

James searched her eyes but for once Natasha was actually telling the truth. Where did he think they could possible go from here? That they'd pick up where they left off five decades ago?  Their lives weren't exactly conducive to long term, committed relationships.

"I know how you feel about me," James insisted and Natasha didn't answer. "You can hide from everyone else.. But not from me."

Natasha held his gaze. Was her late night confession really so encouraging? It was possible he was bluffing, dangling this in front of her to get her to commit either way. Natasha decided to play along with his allegation. 

"Why can't I hide from you?" She smirked. 

"Because I know you," he said tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. James had a mischievous glint in his eye. "And because you told me yourself when you were rambling in the car on the way here."

"WHAT?" She shrieked. Natasha backhanded him playfully on the shoulder and he feigned distress. 

"Ow, Stop it!"

"What exactly did I say?" She asked indignant and James grinned stupidly. She could tell he thoroughly enjoyed stringing her along.

Natasha's breath caught. She could feel the emotions spreading through her as she took in the sight of him. Scorching and sizzling away the apathy and indifference that had been her amour against the world. She never would have thought that after all these years, she could still care so deeply. 

James took a step forward, backing her into the door and took her face in his mismatched hands. "You asked if I was the still the same guy you fell in love with.."

Her lips parted in stunned silence, Natasha was completely lost for words. She had told herself over and over that she wasn't in love with him, that she wasn't capable of the emotion. She'd tricked herself into believing she was above such things, separate from the compromising positions that came with love. Apparently her subconscious had been more self-aware.

"If it makes you feel any better," James continued, pulling her back to the moment. "Up until two days ago. I never knew how you felt, not really. I had always assumed I was a distraction, a recreational pastime, if you will."

Natasha let out an involuntary giggle. "What? Like knitting?"

"Exactly like knitting." James said with a grin and he edged closer. Barefoot, the top of her head barely came up to his chin and she had to lean her head back to properly see his face.

"No, James," Natasha said, knotting his shirt in her fists. "You were never just a distraction."

"Then it's only fair that I tell you," James was holding onto her tightly and his expression intensified. "That I've been in love with you from the moment you climbed through that Red Room window."

She was speechless, after everything they had been through, how had they ended up here? Was this reunion a gift or would it be their demise? Were they finally catching a break from the constant torment their too long lives had so far delivered? Or would this end in heartbreak?

She decided she didn't care, so she leaned up on her tip toes and pressed her lips lightly against his.

"That was quite the pronouncement." Natasha whispered against his mouth and she felt him smile. 

"Well it's hard to keep it all to myself." James said sarcastically and he kissed her briefly before continuing, "I'm not used to feeling this way."

"What way?" Natasha hummed, slipping a hand beneath his shirt. 

He hesitated, "Happy."

She pulled back slightly, surprised by his honesty but Natasha barely had time to register his hungry expression before he closed the distance between them, pressing her into the cold wooden door. Natasha kissed him fiercely. It was a wild sensation, being with someone who didn't just know you, but knew everything about you. It was overwhelming in the best way possible, like she couldn't get him close enough.

James had one hand at her hip, clutching the old sweater, and the other at the nape of her neck. As Natasha continued her exploration under his thick shirt, he reached down and grabbed her legs, lifting them so she was wrapped around his hips. His lips were everywhere, sucking and nipping at her throat and ears. She impatiently pulled at his shirt and James let her pull it over his head, she threw it carelessly to the side. 

Turning her head, she gave him full access to the base of her neck and he obeyed eagerly. Natasha ran a light finger over the puckered and scarred skin connecting his shoulder to the prosthetic. James shuddered and redoubled his efforts, sucking on her earlobe until she had goosebumps. Carrying her to the bed, he laid her out gently, brushing the hair from her face. 

"Will you do one thing for me?" James asked, suddenly unsure and Natasha raised an eyebrow, encouraging him to continue. "Promise me, that if we do this you won't walk away." 

Natasha smiled softly, "I'm not going anywhere, James." 

She pulled his lips back down to hers.

James rolled his hips against hers in a steady rhythm and she bit down lightly on his bottom lip in pleasure. Natasha was practically writhing with need, craving a release. Locking her legs around his back, she flipped them over so she was sitting squarely on top of him and he grinned. There was a sharp twinge of pain in her upper thigh but nothing she couldn't live through and she grabbed the hem of the moth eaten sweater and pulled it off, careful not to disturb the bandages on her upper arm. James made quick work of the t-shirt underneath but froze as soon as her shirt was discarded. 

He sat up, Natasha still straddling him, and stared at her left shoulder. He reached a hand out and ran his thumb lightly over the scar. The skin was still raised and wrinkled and Natasha's mouth went dry. He looked up at her, his face tortured before turning his eyes directly to her abdomen, as if he knew what he would find there. His hand trailed a path down to the second mark. He had stopped breathing. After a moment or two of stroking the damaged skin, James wrapped both arms tightly around her middle and buried his head in the crook of her neck.

She held him there for a moment. Letting him digest the visual representation of their violence against each other. Natasha could feel him withdrawing and she took his face in both her hands, forcing him to make eye contact.

"I forgive you." Natasha said quietly and his breath caught.

James grazed his hands lightly up her back. One calloused and warm, the other smooth and impossibly cold. He ran his lips down her jaw to her throat and collar bone, pressing featherlight kisses into her skin. When he reached her shoulder, his lips lingered a few moments longer over the red and rough skin of the bullet wound. Pushing her back against the mattress he continued his caress, teasing her breasts and moving further down to the blemish at her abdomen. 

The hot breath at her navel made the muscles under her skin twist and squirm. She didn't know how much more of the teasing she could take.

James slid the tactical pants down from her hips in one swift motion and ducked his shoulders underneath her thighs. 

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked breathlessly, reaching a hand into his hair. His sly smile was the only response she got before he encircled the crest of her clit in his mouth. 

Natasha dug her hand deep into his hair and curled her toes into the sheets. He was playing with her, alternating between long slow strokes of his tongue and quick delicate circles. He pushed two fingers inside her, urging her on. She gasped and tightened her walls around him, riding the waves of pleasure that spiked and spread throughout her body. It wasn't long until all her muscles tightened and released at once and she felt her legs begin to tremble.

James still didn't relent. He took her in his lips and sucked just hard enough that she felt herself go two, three- no four times. Natasha moaned, collapsing back into the mattress, her breathing heavy and her heart pounding in her ears. He slid his pants off quickly, and Natasha took in the sight of him completely erect. He brushed his hands lightly up her sides and down her arms, capturing both of her hands in his own and pinning them above her head. 

"This isn't going to last very long." He said hovering over her. Natasha gave him a one-sided smile and spread her knees so they were on either side of his hips. He went in slow, closing his eyes and letting out a low groan. She relished the feeling of him inside her, James rocked back and forth twice before pulling back. He moved one arm underneath her, to the small of her back, and pulled her hips up to meet him as he thrust in again. 

"I _really_ missed you," James whispered, nuzzling his face into her hair. His breathing was already labored and after a few more shoves, his body jerked and he cried out into the mattress. His chest was heaving with the effort and he toppled over to the side of the bed, not letting go of her hand. 

Natasha reached down and pulled one of the many blankets up and over their heads.

"I guess we don't have to get back to the city right away," She murmured, pulling herself on top of him and he chuckled darkly. "Surely, Anya can wait one more day." 

**Author's Note:**

> find me @buckylovesnatasha on tumblr. Requests always open.
> 
> BUCKYNAT PLAYLIST  
> so tied up - cold war kids  
> i saw you close your eyes - local natives  
> never gonna change - broods  
> you’re mine - phantogram  
> love is madness - 30 seconds to mars  
> i found - amber run  
> cope - manchester orchestra  
> long & lost - florence + the machine  
> empty corridors - ben howard  
> have i always loved you - copeland  
> revelry - kings of leon  
> loveless - x ambassadors  
> staying up - the neighbourhood  
> shoot & run - josef salvat  
> all things lost - MS MR  
> sedated - hozier  
> coming down - halsey


End file.
